Thanks guys.
P.S. this may or may not tell you some things about me you may or may not have known. I may or may not confirm or deny anything(s).
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4:16
“When
you have completed 95 percent of your journey, you are halfway
there.”
--old Japanese saying
There's only so much you can do when
you know that in ten minutes' time, you will be arrested.
I lit a joint.
I was laying on my back in the grass.
My mind was as blank as the blue sky. Rather, it's not that I didn't
have any thoughts, but that I simply watched them pass, maybe
remarking on their shape like they were clouds (that
one's a caterpillar!), but without forming any lasting attachments to
them. The sky seemed as deep above me as the earth felt below me, and
I was the weighty center of the sphere, impossibly small and
painfully aware of it.
If my mind could have been persuaded
to produce a written proof that it was conscious at the time—an
epitaph of the moment, if you will—it might have been rather like
this:
dirt in my hair
smoke floating up to the clouds
silent in the blue sky
But my mind said no such thing. In a
state of irrevocable acceptance, I felt no fear or worry. Just waited
for Caramba to lumber up the hill and find me lounging there in the
grass so green from all the rain that spring. I could hear the cops
and dogs coming closer, but I couldn't see them yet. damn dimly
behind that sound, I could hear I-25 breathing heavy on the
afternoon. Evidently, that was to be the last road I'd hitch for a
while.
The thought hit me with a little smack
of sadness. You get used to the road. The routine is almost never
routine: wake, hitch or walk, find food, find shelter and ways of
acquiring them. I'd started out driving, and thinking it the one and
only noble way to get around the big wide country, but time taught me
different. Sometimes there's nothing like a walk. No pastime or
prayer, no antidote or anecdote.
I wished then for one more road, but
knew I wouldn't get it today. I sighed a cloud of smoke.
A big, furry drug
dog—unaccompanied--burst through the grass. She stopped and sat
down, looking at me laying there. Her tail wagged slow—just
catching on to the great joke of me. She came to lick my face, then
lay down beside me.
“Hey old pup!” I laughed and gave
her my best old-movie-gangster, I says, “Dey'll have us bote for
sure, now. You betta run while ya still can!”
But the dog paid no mind and laid her
head down with a heavy sigh. Her brown eyes rolled up to look at
mine; one old wise soul to another, and just as tired.
“You're right. You're right of
course,” I said. I rolled up onto my elbow and shared a little
smoke with the dog. Don't tell me you think a drug dog wouldn't enjoy
a little smoke now and then.
Humming “I Fought the Law,” I
dibbled a few little holes in the soft earth and dug in all my
pockets for any overlooked seeds. I found 16—my all time lucky
number. I smoothed dirt over the seeds. I thought that was what Maria
would have done. But I tried not to think of her. I buried my roach
next to the seeds.
The other dogs and men were closer
now. I considered giving myself up. But, imagining myself standing up
in the grass with my hands outstretched, it was also easy to imagine
those trigger happy feds shooting first and asking questions later.
Perhaps it was best to just let them come to me now. They'd already
come so far—across two time zones, a dozen states, as many roads as
they had veins in their bodies, and through as many towns as seeds
I'd planted on the way. They could come just a little further.
My bag was empty now. I'd lost all the
things I'd started out with. My books, my extra clothes. Well, what
had they been anyway? I tossed the bag into the bushes. And at that
moment, I felt so free that I laughed. And I laughed until tears ran
from the corners of my eyes and back into my hair. The dog licked my
temples.
I did not try to imagine the future
any further than a few moments ahead, when they would catch me. How
would I react? Would I bravely stand to face them and give them a
speech that would move Shakespeare? Tell them we were really all
brothers anyway? I could grovel, weep even. Or I could still try to
make a run for it. Lead them farther west, farther from Maria, and
who knows?! I might lead them for days, months, years...
A trick of the wind blew all the sound
of the feds away, and parted the grass. It was an invitation. A life
of roads and constant movement. Plotting like a pawn who plans one
day to be Queen, anticipating my opponent's next move before I made
my own. I could skip the country too, find Maria abroad, or even just
find my own place. I could work on the hemp farms in Canada. I
raised my dirty hand and looked at the palm, as though some answer
might be written among the lines. Instead, all the creases and lines
became roads on a map, and I wondered where they led to. But the rest
of my body made no motion to grab hold of any of these thoughts. They
passed, like clouds, and mingled with my smoke. I declined the
invitation, and though the sound of the dogs told me the feds were
less than one hundred yards away, I drew another deep breath of the
free air and stared at the sky again, as though trying to memorize
its face.
Then, I fell asleep.
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